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10 Years Without Mom & BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwiches with Mango Slaw

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This is how we went on living after my mother died — we wove her memory in the fabric of our everyday lives. We remember the little things that made her who she was and we repeat the things that help make us the people we are today.

Eleanor Haley


On June 20, 2013 at 7:00 PM, my Mom, Kathy Castle, died in her bed at The Andy Moog Hospice House in Penticton, BC.

10 years ago today.

My Dad was beside her when she passed. My Aunt, Bro, Sis, BIL, Ninja, and I had just stepped out for for some air.


And she died.

Just like that.

Minutes after she passed, we all stood together in her room, beside her, in a group hug when my Dad’s phone dinged. It was an email. My Mom had bought him a star for their anniversary a month earlier and it was an email letting him know that at that precise moment, his Star went live, meaning that the camera up in space was live and he was able to view his Star online. When we got home, I had to get out Mom’s little family/friend address book. Everything was in her beautiful handwriting, sometimes in pencil and addresses of past could be seen through many layers of erased information. Sometimes she used ballpoint pen and addresses, phone numbers, and postal codes were crossed out numerous times following loved one’s moves over the years. I had just opened this exact same book less than 3 months earlier to call everybody to let them know that my Nana had passed. Relatives I hadn’t spoken to in years were getting their second phone call from me of 2013. I also had to return emails because back then friends still used that method of communication to keep updated. The first email I opened was a quote,

If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.

-Rabindranath Tagore


The star. The quote. They were little signs from my Mom. Little goodbyes 💛. 

Over the years the strangest things remind me of my Mom. Things you would think would destroy me, pass by without a blink of recognition, and yet hearing a song, or smelling a certain smell, will push me right over the edge! I miss saying the word Mom out loud. Sometimes I just write Mom over and over again in the steam on the shower door, just to see the word. One evening I was craving a piece of cinnamon raisin toast, slathered in Cheez Whiz. It was my Mom’s guilty pleasure, and as I sat there and ate it, I blubbered like a baby. And not just because I was ingesting Cheez Whiz 😂. It’s the small things that still punch me in the gut and leave me gasping for air. 

Recently, I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It came out in late 2012 and I remember seeing the previews for the movie after Mom passed and becoming physically ill. A few months ago I finally thought I was ready to read it. I repeatedly started and stopped reading it that first day, and by the time I got to page 20, I was surrounded by used tissues, had a pounding headache, and my MS symptoms were flaring. It was all so familiar. The Mom that unconditionally loves, the terminal lung cancer diagnosis, and the belief that no matter what, her Mom would beat it, because her mountain of a Mother could never die. Would never die. She had that exact same image in her head of her Mother growing old in the garden. That’s the way I pictured my Mom, being a little old lady in her garden. I was sitting on the balcony, ugly crying, sitting on page 20 debating whether or not I could continue, when I saw my first yellow butterfly of the season! So I carried on.


10 years.

The year my Mom died, selfie was a brand new word, Kris and Bruce Jenner split up and Rob Ford admitted to using crack. That’s right Bruce wasn’t even Caitlyn yet and Rob Ford was still thriving! Back in 2013, Justin Trudeau had just taken over the leadership of the Liberal party, Joe Biden was Vice President of the United States, and Donald Trump was just the head of the Miss Universe Pageant and in 2013 it was held in Russia, where he spent a few questionable nights… But nothing ever came of that, right? 😂

Going into May was pretty emotional for me. 10 years seems to be very triggering for me. I cannot believe I have not seen or talked to my Mom and 10 years! It seems surreal to me. Recently, I’ve actually found it easier to slip out of reality… But I know I’m doing it 😆!! Kind of like when you wake up but your dream isn’t over so you lay there and play it out in your mind the way you want it to go. Yeah, like that. I guess once I got over the denial… I could let myself play the what if game, even if it was just in my head. Saying that makes it sound unhealthy lol. Let me give you an example. Now, I can say, “Mom would love this.” Or when I’m shopping, I think if we were shopping together right now, what would she pick? I know she’s not here but 5 years ago I couldn’t ask myself what she would think without breaking down. Now, a little part of my brain is able to say, “… If Mom were here.” It is nice that my grief has finally allowed me to think of her casually without feeling like my heart is being stabbed with a rusty dagger.

I remember the day it hit me. I was painting the office. When I was younger and I was upset, I dyed my hair. My Dad always joked that he always knew when I broke up with my boyfriend because my hair colour changed. Change, that’s what I yearn for when my life is unsettled. Change it up! So that’s what I was doing. It was spring, and my Mom had been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer, 5 months prior. As I sat there and painted the office from bright orange, to pale blue to match my Dad’s eyes, just like my Mom asked me to, I sat with my thoughts. I let the facts sink in and the different scenarios wash over me.


Then it hit me.

Just as Ninja walked in the door.

I looked at him, probably for the first time in a while I really looked at him. In the last 5 months, we had welcomed a new baby into our lives, Ninja was working hard to make sure that nothing, no balls, got dropped with work, he looked after HBear’s schooling and after school activities plus kept track of my post natal care and my Mom’s appointments to make sure nothing was missed. For the first time I could see that he had aged over the last few months. There was grey at his temples and his face look like he hadn’t slept in months. He probably hadn’t. SBean was an awful sleeper as a baby and I was up feeding her every night, all night. I took one look at him and my body seized. I knew it. Right there in that moment I knew what my brain hadn’t wanted to believe.

My Mom could die.

I might become a Mom with no Mom. I broke then. I collapsed in Ninja’s arms and asked him, “what happens if she dies?” He never did answer me. He knew the harder truth. He knew it wasn’t a question of if but when. He just held me and rubbed my hair. Ninja makes things better. He always makes things better. This was the first time he didn’t reassure me. He didn’t say, “everything’s gonna be OK.” He just held me. As the reality sunk in.

When we went to Vancouver to see Mumford & Sons on May 24, I bought her new pajamas to wear on the drive but she wanted space. Time to think. So I made her multiple healthy smoothies and left them in the freezer with strict instructions. I also left her a movie to watch, Magic Mike 😜. When we got back, she was in a lot of pain so we went to see the doctor. It never once occurred to me that she would not return home. I wonder if it occurred to her? Everything really became real to me when I ran into her oncologist in the elevator a few days later, Mom was in the Kelowna hospital and we were talking about new radiation treatments moving forward, or so, I thought. When I ran into her in the elevator, I asked her, “We want to have a party for Mom! Do you think August would be a good time?” She looked at me like I was crazy. She said in a firm voice, “I think you should make the party for sooner rather than later.” Like July? “No. Like next week.” I was shook. I got off the elevator and called her family doctor for advice. He got her transferred to the Penticton Hospital the next day and into the Andy Moog Hospice House a day or so after that. I called everybody. They came. We had SweetPea’s baby shower in Mom’s hospice room. We had Father’s Day in the Hospice garden, final photos as a family in her bed, and even a pulled pork potluck in the common area! We made the most of it, yet I still feel like I didn’t have enough time.

I have so many regrets from our life together but my biggest regret of her death? Not staying with her overnight. Not spending more time with her at the hospital and in hospice. I’ve visited her every day but I didn’t stay. I just feel like I didn’t get enough time, which is absolutely ridiculous! Most people, don’t live with their parents until they’re 34 😆 I got loads of time! It still doesn’t seem like enough though. Some people have their loved ones taken away suddenly and never get have the chance to say goodbye. I did. I had “extra” time, but it doesn’t feel that way. No amount of time would have been enough. I only remember my Mom crying once during her last month. When I cried and begged her not to do this. Like she had a choice. She cried then. She had a very high pain tolerance and she never let on that she was in any pain until that last morning. Two days before she died we brought some of her favourite shrimp to the hospice and I think she knew she would never eat them, but she thanked us and smiled her smile and said she would eat them later 💛.

This year was a tough one. For so many reasons. HBear’s mental health has been very fragile, my diagnosis and then the passing of so many of my Mom’s good friends. We lost one of my Mom’s best friends from her childhood, Deb Day, she was such a good friend that she became a Brownie leader with my Mom, even though she didn’t have any kids! My Mom was a very convincing person 😂. Deb even came out here while Mom was in Hospice, to say goodbye. Then we lost Cheryl. We met her through ringette and my Mom and her were thick as thieves for years. Another one of those thieves was Marion. Marion came over after HBear was born to check on me and bring me a beautiful gift for the baby. She knew my Mom wasn’t there and told me if I needed anything, she was there for me. Over the years, she messaged me often, and was an avid reader of my blog. We lost her too. We also lost Ray. One of the only friends of my parents that came to BC and saw the life my parents built out here. All these losses are painful. They are glaring reminders that my Mom is gone, the people that knew her are also going, and the ties to my past are quickly fraying from both sides. These losses have hit me harder than I ever could have imagined. Re-opening wounds, that I have been trying to heal.

We cleaned out the garage this year. We took down my Mom and Dad’s suite. Their bedroom and their living room. Took the art off the walls. The last remaining physical part of my Mom has been dissembled… Like she was never here.

But she was here.

I am proof of that. So is my sister and our children. My Dad had a recent health scare and my Sis came out for the evening to hang out with Dad. I think we all know how important it is to spend time with our loved ones while we are able to. She was here the weekend that we began the long put off task of tearing down Mom and Dad’s suite. When they moved here, my Nana and Poppy were set in their ways. My Mom and Dad were here to help but Poppy was ill and Nana had begun to develop Alzheimer’s, which she kept very hidden from all of us who didn’t see her on a daily basis. Mom and Dad built a little suite in the garage for their own personal space. The first time I walked in, I laughed because it looked just like my childhood living room on Costello! It even smelled like it! My Sister found 2 things that I haven’t seen in over 30 years! One was a poem, written by my WinnipegBesty when we graduated from Brownies to Guides. She was a good Guider. I wasn’t 😂 much to my Mom’s dismay! Thankfully, she had my Sis, who was also a fantastic Guider! Even now she is a leader and her Kids are in Sparks and Embers!



She also found a letter. A letter to my parents from me. A goodbye letter I wrote to them when we left for our summer vacation with Nana & Poppy. When she gave it to me, I think she expected me to open it up and read it. I didn’t. I held it. I left it on the counter and stared at it for a week, and then moved into my bedroom, still not opening it. Keeping it safe. But unopened. I hate goodbyes.

I always knew I was special. I was Kathy Castle’s daughter and that alone made me special. I never had any doubt. Ever. She loved me unconditionally. Even when I was screaming I hate you and calling her horrible names, she loved me. She chose me. When she got pregnant at 19 years old and her boyfriend told her to choose, him or the baby… She chose me. At 19 years old, she gave up who she thought was the love of her life, for me. Now that I have children, I know that, it was always me and my siblings that were her true loves in life. The life she made with my Dad for her Kids was what she was most proud of 💛. 5 years ago I was playing one of those stupid Facebook games, a generic pick pictures and get a message from someone special. This is what I got…


I’ve kept it on my phone for over 5 years. I read it when I miss her because I actually think she would say something like this. I know it’s stupid but we didn’t have phones like we do now. I don’t have a last text message. I have this generic text message from a game that could have probably maybe stole my identity and hacked all my accounts lol and memories. I have wonderful memories 💛.


Every year we spread kindness in honour of my Mom. She was a loving, kind and generous person and we continue to want to spread her memory. I have said it before but I will say it again, my Mom was taken too soon. She had so much more to do. I can’t imagine her not being a part of our community, so I continue to keep her name on people’s lips. I need a world where she still exists. Where she is still affecting change. Over the years we have tried to spread kindness in ways that Mom would have loved!

Year 1 We handed out doughnuts to teachers and the Hospice House workers. We handed out lottery tickets to service people around town and flowers to public sector secretaries. My Mom loved doughnuts and was a proud government employee for many years.

Year 2 We handed out 100 yellow and purple flowers at the Farmer’s Market! We used My Mom’s favourite florist, Lisa’s Flowers from the local market and Dad and the Kids handed them out to people passing by.

Year 3 My Mom was an avid reader so we took 50 of her old books and placed them all over town. We left them on benches and in parks, hoping that people would read them and pass them along.

Year 4 We painted rocks with special messages and hid them all around town in hopes that someone who was having a rough day would spot one and feel just a little bit better.

Year 5 The Kids baked 350 cupcakes for every student at Columbia Elementary School! We asked everyone to take a cupcake and pass along a kindness in Mom’s name.

Year 6 We left Tim Horton’s drive thru $100 and asked them to buy coffees for everyone until the money ran out. My Mom LOVED her coffee.

Year 7 In 2020 we had to really think about how we could get out into the community without going outside into the community. We made Ninja baskets with 10 special treats in each and hand delivered them to 10 of our friends that made a difference in our lives that year.

Year 8 We made creative motivational messages and left them inside Mom’s and our favourite books at the library. Maybe you have found one and it made you smile? I hope so!

Year 9 Last year my Sis came up with the perfect way to honour Mom. We participated in a Butterfly release for the Kelowna Hospice Society. It was beautiful and the 1st time my Sis and I spent June 20 together since Mom passed.

Year 10 This year we decided as a family to donate and sponsor 2 beautiful flower baskets to help beautify downtown Penticton. The lady at the Penticton Public Works Department was amazing to deal with and gave me my choice of any post we wanted. All together we agreed that Mom loved the festivals and music that Gyro Park put on for our community so directly across from Gyro Park Bandshell would be perfect. So she can listen to the music forevermore 💛. 


10 Years.

When I went to see it for the first time I was taking a picture and a big yellow butterfly flew right into the shot! Mom, letting me know that no matter what she is always here. In my memory, in my thoughts and in my heart 💛. 

Check out How Was Your Week, Honey? Episode #333: That’s So Dad HERE! This week, we get together over Father’s Day to discuss: cars, Dragon Boat Pub, teenagers, track & field, building furniture, Canadian Open, Father’s Day quiz, & Flechettes interview.

My Mom LOVED my Crockpot Pulled Pork Sandwiches. I made it for her often. In fact, we took over the Hospice common area a few days before Mom passed and brought 2 crockpots and made sandwiches for everyone! It was Mom’s last meal. This year to honour Mom we tried something new, pulled chicken sandwiches! OMG Mom would have loved these sandwiches! We ALL loved this meal. The slaw is fresh and zippy as Mom would say 😂 and the prep is SO easy (my Mom was big on big taste but with easy prep!) Try this delicious dinner and say a cheers to my Mom, Kathy Little Castle, as you enjoy 💛.


BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwiches with Mango Slaw
Adapted from How Sweet Eats

1 ½ pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs
½ cup your favorite BBQ sauce
1 teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon garlic powder
¼ teaspoon chili powder
4-6 buns, for serving
1/2 bag coleslaw

1 mango, thinly sliced
½ red onion, thinly sliced
½ cup fresh cilantro
3 tablespoons lime juice
⅓ cup olive oil
1 tablespoon honey
salt and pepper

Season the chicken thighs all over with salt and pepper and place them on your BBQ grill. Grill for 6 minutes. Flip the chicken and grill for 6 minutes more. Brush a layer of BBQ sauce onto the chicken. Grill for 1 minute. Flip and brush the other side, then grill for 1 minute more. Repeat until the chicken is cooked to 165 degrees F.



Place the chicken in the bowl and shred with forks. As the chicken is shredding, add in the paprika, garlic powder and chili powder. Mix until the spices are evenly distributed. Add in ½ cup BBQ sauce and continue to mix.



Place the slaw, mango, red onion and cilantro in a large bowl. Whisk together the lime juice, honey and olive oil with a pinch of salt and pepper. Pour the dressing over the slaw, tossing it together.





Top cut buns with a good helping of chicken and top with mango slaw!

The weather was a bit closer to normal June weather this week but the smoke rolled in and blocked the sunshine. I enjoyed coffee dates with 2 Besties this week at Sociale and at The Prague Cafe. Ninja BBQed in the rain and I made a GIANT bowl of Quinoa Salad because I was craving it sooooo badly! SBean enjoyed herself at her Divisional Track & Field Day and her grade 5 laser tag field trip. HBear won Dancer of the Month for her dedication and the Commands Attention Award from her jazz & hip hop teacher. Ninja and I finished the LAST DAY OF HOT LUNCH… EVER!!!! I have been a volunteer or in charge of Hot Lunch for 10 years. It is closing a door on our Elementary School life and opening the door to Middle School and High School. Ninja and Dad took out one of our best employees for his 10 year anniversary with Sparkles. They went to The Black Antler and Ninja got the special, a chicken… a full chicken!!! This weekend we celebrated the Dads in our lives. We took Ninja’s Dad and my Dad out for breakfast at the new Dragonboat Pub, Ninja did some building and the Kids and I took Ninja out for dinner at the new restaurant, Kin & Folk! It was delicious!!!!! Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there who show up and work hard every day. We love you 💗.





1 thought on “10 Years Without Mom & BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwiches with Mango Slaw”

  1. Esme Slabbert

    Thank you so much for the story about Mom and also sharing the pulled chicken recipe. You're an amazing person. Keep doing what you're doing by honoring MOM.
    Thank you from your SSPS Team for sharing your various links with us at #266 SSPS Linkup.

    Reply

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