Facebook memories started popping up in May and no matter how badly I tried to avoid them, there they were. Laughing at me and my half assed attempt to forget that 6 years is approaching.
Six years.
I am gob smacked by that fact. In some ways it feels like just yesterday and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago.
Sometimes I talk about my Mom in the present tense. Maybe because the reality still hasn’t hit me on maybe because she is still with me?
Some days I feel her more than others, on my birthday her present to me was warm sunshine on my face. I could actually feel her hugging me and keeping me warm and safe.
One day I was leaving the library and a book caught my eye. I went cold, The Dead Moms Club by Kate Spencer. I felt morbid picking it up. I thought, “self-help books are not for me“ but I couldn’t put it down. I took it out and put it in the van for… Just in case. I read it. It took me a while because her story was so similar to mine. Every word she wrote pierced me so deeply. I would sit in my van outside of dance reading it. People walked by and saw me sobbing uncontrollably and I could see them thinking, “is she OK?” and behind my tears I was silently screaming, “no! I’m not OK! My Mom died.“ It took me weeks to read that book. Sometimes I could only read a page or two a day. Sometimes the words were so meaningful that I had to sit and reflect on them for a few days to balance out the weight of their words.
One part that really got me was when she spoke of her fear of forgetting her Mom.
The thing about grief is that the old adage is true: Time heals all wounds. The rushing roar of pain and mourning that once swept me up and carried me away has now dried up to a trickle. I have lived a full eight years of my life — chasing career dreams, moving across the country, pushing babies out. My brother’s career is flourishing, and my father got remarried to a wonderful woman whom he met at his ballroom dancing lessons. Sometimes we text each other on my mom’s birthday, or the anniversary of her death. Other times, we’re silent, and the days go on almost as if nothing ever happened.
My grief slipping away feels just as terrifying as it did to lose her. In some ways, I’m losing her all over again. My memories of her are becoming sloppy and unclear, foggy around the edges. My box of mementos is shoved on a shelf in my living room; my Tumblr is mostly a home for One Direction photos now. In that moment at the sink cutting strawberries, I pushed myself to go into my grief, to come up with a memory, a moment — something to hold on to, to bring her back. I searched my mind to hear the pitch of her laughter, to eye the slope of her shoulders as she sat paying bills at her desk, to watch her stand there cutting strawberries, piling them into the dingy, plastic, yellow strainer that she bought before I was born. I wanted to feel the sadness because it would mean that a part of her was still there, living and breathing through my sorrow. But my mind just circled around and around, until I finished my work, tossing the strawberry tops in the trash.
So much has happened this year. So much I’ve been happy about, grateful for, excited about. It’s always the best times that make me the most sad. Those times I wish I could share with her my news. Mom! I went to New York! You would’ve loved it! Actually, you would’ve loved helping Ninja prepare for the trip, helping me pick out outfits, and listening to every single detail when I got back. We’re building a house Mom! Remember that fight we got into right before your last MRI? You asked us to stay living with Dad and just build up and I scoffed at you. You knew when I didn’t. Oh how I wish we could go fixture shopping together! I could really use your advice, your knowledge, and your sense of style. I’m taking an adult jazz class and this weekend I have to perform and I’m scared. I wish you were here to help me practice and give me the confidence I need to get out there. OMG you would laugh! I am a mess and you would laugh and then I would laugh and then I would get my shit together.
The Girls are great! Sometimes I do a group text message and gush about one or both of their accomplishments and then after I hit send, I cry. I cry because you are not in that group message.
I see you in them.
I see you in me.
I am a mom now; my daughters are 4 and 2. They are tall, mischievous, and empathetic, just like her. My eldest knows my mom is dead. She asked me about her one day in the kitchen, as I hunched over the counter scribbling out detailed instructions for their babysitter. “Your mom died,” she said dramatically, and I nodded. “But where IS she?” she asked. “Can she still talk?”
And so I told her that yes, she is dead but she is still here. She talks through me, and lives on in my relationship with her and her sister. She is there in the advice I give them about navigating friendships, in the songs we sing and the hugs we share, in my endless nagging to pick up their toys, put away their shoes. She’s there when I’m at the sink slicing up strawberries for them to eat. As I said this to her, I realized that I no longer need to drown in my sadness just to keep her alive. I’m letting go of my grief, and finding my mom in myself.
New episode of How Was Your Week, Honey? Ep 123: Sports: A Musical! This week we chat about the US Open, the World Cup, the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Sorry, the Raptors, Victory Songs, the Blue Jays, Campaign Songs, and RIP Grandpa Check it out HERE
We love pasta shells! Sometimes I need a quick, hearty dinner that everyone will like. Sometimes I don’t like what I have planned on the menu and I just want pasta. Sometimes I want to change my dinner plans and I take a look in my pantry and I KNOW I have all of these ingredients in there just waiting for me to eat them all up! This is just good. Nothing special, just easy and good. Sometimes I just need that, easy and good.
Creamy Beef and Shells
Adapted from Damn Delicious
1 bag pasta shells
1 pound ground beef
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, pressed
10 mushrooms, chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups beef stock
15-ounce can tomato sauce
3/4 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup cheddar cheese, shredded
In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package instructions; drain well.
Heat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add ground beef and cook until browned, about 3-5 minutes, making sure to crumble the beef as it cooks; drain excess fat. Set aside.
Add onion and mushrooms and cook. Stir in garlic and Italian seasoning until fragrant, about 1 minute.
Whisk in flour until lightly browned, about 1 minute.
Gradually whisk in beef stock and tomato sauce.
Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until reduced and slightly thickened, about 6-8 minutes.
Stir in pasta, beef and heavy cream until heated through, about 1-2 minutes; season with salt and pepper, to taste.
Stir in cheese until melted, about 2 minutes.
Ninja airdropped me a few pictures from last weekend’s Dress Rehearsal and dinner out!
SBean finished up her last gymnastics class! Level 2… DONE!
HBear had her annual orthodontist appointment. We definitely see braces in her future!
On Friday Ninja made the Girls chicken and waffles for dinner. They cuddled and watched Prince Caspian. SBean had just finished the book and was SO excited to watch the movie!
I on the other hand, went out to Salty’s Beach House for dinner with MBesty, PACBesty and HLBesty! It was great to hang out, have a few drinks and laugh!
On Saturday we went to The Farmer’s Market! It was a beautiful day and we went for a walk to The Cannery and had lunch and played Sorry. After lunch we went to my InLaw’s for a swim, a visit with Ninja’s Aunts from Calgary and a delicious BBQ dinner!
Sunday was Father’s Day! We met my InLaws at The Hooded Merganser for a delicious breakfast! That afternoon was The Peach City Radio‘s Grand opening! Ninja took the Girls for a tour! That evening was the Station’s award ceremony.
SBean had Twin day with her Besty and the whole class went on a field trip to the Penticton Museum and Library!
HBear dressed as Triplets with her Besties!
SBean’s teacher invited us to family potluck during lunch on Tuesday! It was fantastic! We had a great time!
SBean is LOVING her tennis lessons! She only has 1 left, thank goodness I registered them both for tennis summer camps.
