This is how we went on living after my mother died—we wove her memory in the fabric of our everyday lives. We remember the little things that made her who she was and we repeat the things that help make us the people we are today.
Eleanor Hale
The number 7 has so many implications.
- Lucky 7
- There are 7 chakras in our body.
- Our skin is regenerated in 7 days. And every cell in our body is replaced every 7 years.
- The most crucial milestones in a kid’s life occur by the age of 7. In fact, the great Greek philosopher Aristotle once said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”
- The 7-year itch is a popular belief, that happiness in a marriage declines after around year 7.
- The colours of the rainbow are 7 in number.
- There are 7 basic musical notes, namely, ‘do’, ‘re’, ‘me’, ‘fa’, ‘so’, ‘la’ and ‘te’.
- There are 7 wonders of the ancient world.
- There are 7 days in a week.
- The stages of grief are considered to be 7 in number. They are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance.
It has been 7 years since I lost my Mommies.
Back in December I remember thinking, “wow! I have gone 6 months without a real good Mom cry.” There was a time when I could count the days I didn’t cry. I remember getting to 32 days! That was a huge accomplishment, I made it 32 days without that gut wrenching sob. If you’re part of the club you know the one, the one where you double over and hold your breath as tears stream down your face and memories start flashing through your mind.
It was HBear’s birthday and I went into the bathroom to collect my thoughts. My memories were spinning out of control as different images of my Mom at my birthday parties flashed before my eyes . At some point I thought, “I’m going to stop” but I didn’t… I couldn’t. Then I looked up into the mirror and I hung onto the vanity, just to keep me up. My eyes traveled down my fuzzy purple robe… My Mom had one just like it, I had never noticed it before but all of a sudden I saw my Mom wearing her robe, sitting under the tree, handing out Christmas presents to each of us. As I travelled up I saw my lips pressed tightly together, quivering, and it was my Mom’s mouth. I remember seeing her mouth quiver just like that, it was after my Nana’s funeral, just a month before she herself passed. She was crying for her Mom but she was also crying because she knew she was next. That tight lipped, grim mouth trying to lock up the emotion that wanted to loudly escape! I know that I have sunk deep down the rabbit hole and I will continue to spiral if I don’t put it into perspective but I can’t help it. My eyes scan up to my nose and I looked at it as if for the first time. I realized my Mom’s round tipped nose was staring back at me in the mirror. I remember watching her put on her make-up for New Year’s Eve and remembered how beautiful and glamorous she looked! She stamped little gold stars near her eyes and put on her best perfume, Salvador Dali… I still wear it to this day because it represents that time when I was a little kid and my Mom was the most beautiful woman in the world to me and it smells damn good.
During that entire time, not a sound left my body. But, it felt like I had been screaming out loud the whole time. I continued to slowly critique my reflection and the tears kept running down my face, dripping into the sink. Then I got to my eyes. The only thing of my Mother in my eyes was the grief. They are his eyes and that’s when I can finally breathe and my silent scream is truly silent. My eyes say, “you had your time but now you need to stop. Tonight is your daughter’s 11th birthday and you need to clean up because you are so lucky to be able to make those same memories with your 2 beautiful daughters!”
I cleaned myself up and went back to the party.
There was a point in the building of our house, it was a painting day, that I sat there looking around and feeling the weight of her loss pile up so heavily on my shoulders that I sunk to the ground. My Mom would have loved the colours I picked out and she would have seen my vision. After 6 1/2 years I went through all of the emotions again. Sadness. Denial. Anger. More anger. Hopelessness. Defeat. Sadness. More anger. And then… Inevitable acceptance. It’s an endless cycle. I wonder will it ever end? I know I am kidding myself, it won’t.
This year, Mom’s 7th anniversary, June 20, fell on the summer solstice. The longest day of the year. Truly every June 20th feels like the longest day of the year. I play that day out in my head over and over again. In fact, the first 20 days of June 2013 feel like they stood still in my mind and play in slow motion every year like a terrible horror movie that I can’t look away from.
This is why I started honouring Mom on this painful day. Every year we fill up our days by concentrating on spreading kindness throughout the community. This year we decided to officially name June 20, Yellow Butterfly Day! This year was a bit different. With COVID-19 we knew we had to do something that would still be socially distanced. Every year we try to find things Mom enjoyed and spread it to the community. We have done gardening, reading, work, coffee, cupcakes, and walking. This year we made 10 of her favourite snacks and Ninja’d some of our closest friends who we feel made a difference in our lives and the community over the last year. We really had a hard time narrowing our list down to 10 families!!! There are so many people that have made a difference in our lives so we tried picking friends that have kids that both SBean and HBear know and play with. I also added a few special clients and SBean’s wonderful teacher.
This week we added 2 special activities to every day and completed our baskets for Saturday June 20th. Just in time to deliver each basket to our special friends. The Girls LOVED making all these recipes and spreading Nana’s generosity to our friends and loved ones!
On Monday we made Honey Taffy and Spiced Candied Hazelnuts. The taffy turned out to be more of a honey hard candy because we had trouble pulling it. They tasted great though and HBear added this 1 to her list of favourites! Ninja and I cracked all the hazelnuts right from our tree in the backyard. The candied nuts were Ninja’s favourite treat that we made.
On Tuesday we made Chai Tea and Chocolate Truffles! SBean cracked and emptied every cardamom pod herself and we roasted all the spices. The house smelled AMAZING! We had so much fun making the truffles! We had even more fun taste testing them 😜.
On Wednesday we made Cinnamon Raisin Granola and Poppycock. We had a little trouble with the granola when ALL the raisins ended up burning in the oven! We spent the next hour picking EVERY single one of them out and replacing them with plump fresh raisins 😂. The Poppycock was my favourite treat! My Mom used to make it on special occasions and I LOVED it. Ninja thought it was hilarious that we called caramel corn, poppycock but that’s what Mom called it, so we did too!
On Thursday we made Funfetti Marshmallows and Chocolate Chip Cookies. To be completely honest, the plumber was over fixing a leaky tap and HBear ended up making the marshmallows herself! I may never buy marshmallows again! They were so easy to make and absolutely delicious to eat! The chocolate chip recipe we used was my Nana’s special recipe. Mom made them all the time and we loved them! I still make them often but we rarely ever have to triple the recipe! Our first pan didn’t turn out so well until we realized we put in 4 cups of flour instead of the 9 cups that were needed! 😂 We quickly fixed our error and they turned out amazing!
On Friday we baked Mini Cheddar Loaves and Sea Salt Rosemary Crackers. These 2 recipes were SO incredibly easy! The loaves were one of my favourites and HBear LOVED the crackers! I promise to share the recipes in upcoming posts!
On Saturday we took our assembled baskets and spent the hour delivering them to our friends!
After all the baskets were delivered, we took Mom up some beautiful yellow flowers from her favourite florist, Lisa’s Flowers.
We had a great time making all the treats and delivering them to our friends. I know Mom would absolutely LOVE the way we honour her each year. She would be humbled to know that her memory continues to inspire us and people in our community. One of our Besties sent this to me…
The kindness in this action brought tears to my eyes. All the thank you notes that I received made me realize what a fantastic village we have created over the past 7 years. I miss my Mommies more than words can be said or in this case written. 7 years feels like a lifetime ago but it also feels like just yesterday. I still have the urge to pick up the phone and call her when something great happens or when I am falling apart. Some days I forget that she died and I think “wait ’till I tell Mom” and then I remember.
I miss my Mom every day. Especially these days. 2020 has been a difficult year so far and I really wish I had my Mom here to discuss the current world climate. I wish she was here to tell me that I am making the right (or wrong) choices in this unprecedented time. I wish she was here to give me a hug and tell me that all will be well because even though I am 41 years old… I still need my Mom.
Another year has passed without her and although I don’t cry every day, it feels exactly the same way it did that fateful day 7 years ago. I hope this year it will get easier but I know it won’t. As the days become months and the months become years and the years become decades I will still miss her. I have realized that it doesn’t get easier, it just gets longer.
I love you Mommies 💛 and I hope that you are watching us and that you are filled with love when you see your Grandkids and how much you are a part of their lives despite the tragedy of losing you far too soon. I hope you can see how much I miss you and how much I still love you. I hope you smile when you see how we honour your memory and I hope you are happy with the decisions that we are making. I promise, just like I did 7 years ago that we will NEVER forget you and your legacy WILL live on.
L.O.V.E
Check out How Was Your Week, Honey? ep.176 Itchin’ For A Fight. This week I’m a little cantankerous. Topics: rough nights, drinking H2O, bad dreams, Beachbody, Trump rally, COVID in sports, Ninja Baskets, & Father’s Day shopping
HERE
This week was the 2nd last school week of the year! We worked hard on our Ninja Baskets, I finished my 8 week Beachbody Barre Blend program, we went for walks and ate ice cream, had family movie night, Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, while enjoying eating local from Boston Pizza.
Father’s Day was pretty quiet. I feel bad for Ninja and my Dad. They get a celebration based on how much gas I have left in my tank. This has been a rough year and I have been going off fumes for a while now. HBear made Ninja an Eggs Benedict Casserole for brunch and then we gave Daddy his gifts! I ordered off of Print Steve and got him a print that turned our family into The Simpsons! The Girls and Ninja LOVE watching The Simpsons together! I also bought him a cool new cap from Memory Blocks that says GirlDad #Outnumbered! HBear found a Dadalorian T-Shirt on Etsy that is awesome! After gifts we headed over to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a swim and gifts. Dad and J met us there and we were all together for the first time in 4 months! We gave both Papa and Grandpa their own Ninja Baskets and Grandpa got 2 new puzzles and Papa got a brand new mailbox! We ended the day with Ninja’s favourite dinner: steak, lobster, mushrooms, baked potatoes, Caesar salad and a nice bottle of wine! We finished with SBean’s present, an ice cream cake form Dairy Queen. It was a quiet day but filled with love 💝.
Father’s Day
