Happy Mothers Day!
I would love to say I had a great Mother’s Day
But…
I would have to say,
I had an amazingly wonderful Mother’s WEEK!
I was so spoiled 💛
Last week I mentioned that Ninja and the girls brought me home gorgeous flowers and a big box of Purdy chocolates. On Tuesday I received a Starbucks latte and a GC!
The next day was hot lunch. Ninja popped by the school and surprised us all with tasty pastries! I wanted to take a picture but we were all so excited that I missed my opportunity lol.
Ninja also gave me a GC for our favourite local lunch spot The Bench.
On Friday HBear had a Pro-D Day and we had a wonderful day at the beach and a great walk through the Japanese gardens.
It got even better when Ninja came home with a bottle of Hester Creek, The Judge! So spoiled!!!!
On Saturday after a morning that found me waking up late, we all piled into the van for SBean’s soccer practice. Just before we pulled out I looked in the backseat and noticed that HBear had used half a bottle of sunscreen on her arms and legs!!! STOP! 10 minutes later, we finally made it to the soccer field lol.
I received so many beautiful cards and gifts 🙂
From HBear,
From SBean,
After brunch we headed out to do some Geocaching,
This was a great way to celebrate Mother’s Day! The weather was so great. I remember another Mother’s Day when the weather was amazing. It was one of my favourite Mother’s Day…
It was 2012 and I was 3 months pregnant.
HBear, Ninja, Mom, Dad and I packed a lunch and went to Sunoka Beach for a picnic. I remember smiling a lot. Mom had just had the CCSVI procedure the past fall and this was our first beach outing since. She jumped!!
Such a good day.
It was an extra special Mother’s Day because the Mother’s Day the year before I was also pregnant… We had been trying for almost 8 months and I was beginning to think I was defective 🙁 I was starting to think about apps and going to see a Dr. And then BANG 2 pink lines!
A few weeks later HBear said those 6 little words I had been dying to hear “Mommy I have to go potty!”
We ran to the bathroom! She sat down on her potty and I sat down on the big potty. Suddenly I felt something… and my heart sank when I wiped and saw… Blood.
I didn’t know what to do. I was home alone, well except for my 2 1/2-year-old, and I began to panic.
I called Ninja right away. And then it stopped. That evening I went to the walk in clinic and told them what happened.
They weren’t kind. They told me nature was going to take it’s course either way. There was nothing I could do to stop it. They said it was a good sign that I’d only bled 1 time. We set up an ultrasound for 3 days later.
That night in our tiny ensuite, I miscarried.
I had never felt more alone in my entire life.
I could hear the whole house bustling around me. And I felt empty and alone. I had never read anything about miscarriages. I skipped those chapters because obviously that would never happened to me. I had such a wonderful pregnancy with HBear and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would or could lose my baby.
I remember crawling into bed in shocked horror. Curling up in a fetal position because the contractions were just horrible. I remember thinking, “I will never use that bathroom again.”
I remember my Mom coming in and smoothing my hair back and saying something, I don’t remember what but it was 100% not comforting.
She had never had a miscarriage before. Nobody I knew had ever talked to me about having a miscarriage. I think that there is this feeling that you’re not attached 8 to 10 weeks in. That is crazy! I think that some people think you can just try again. As if another baby can replace the one you just lost.
It can’t.
Of course I blamed myself. I must have done something wrong, I began reading everything I could find on miscarriages and why they happen. Apparently, they just do. It wasn’t my fault. It just wasn’t meant to be.
After, I realized that it happens more often than I thought it did. It has happened to people I know but they just don’t talk about it. I don’t know why. Actually, I don’t talk about it either. I should though. Maybe it would help people?
When it happened I had no words. My WpgBesty called and I said “I don’t have anything to say.” She said, “that’s fine. I’ll just sit hear and listen to you breathe then.” I cried into the phone for a long time. She sat and listened to me.
After, I had a hard time looking at Ninja. I mean I had just lost his baby! I felt so guilty. Actually, that week I had lost the camera too and I felt like I was losing everything and I couldn’t stop the tears. Stupid, I know that now but at the time I felt completely… Out of control. What a terrible feeling. Knowing that you were carrying a child and you were unable to keep it safe, no matter how ridiculous that feeling is in reality, it shakes your entire core.
My Sister called and said all the right things. She usually does. However, those things don’t matter when your heart is breaking. You know it wasn’t meant to be. You know you can always try again. You know that you are lucky to go through it earlier rather than later. You know that you already have 1 and you ARE grateful for that.
But you don’t care. None of those words bring back that little peanut you fell in love with the minute you saw the double pink lines.
Every pregnant woman I saw was like a knife stabbing into my heart. Every time I heard a baby cry in the grocery store I swallowed back the lump in my throat. Every time HBear touched my belly and asked when the baby was going to come, I burst into tears.
The thought of trying again was absolutely terrifying. I sure as hell didn’t want to get attached to another baby when there was a chance that could happen again! I didn’t let Ninja near me for months!
I refused to “try” again. I just let the chips fall where they may. We got pregnant again in February, the 1st time we weren’t protected lol. No trying needed… it just happened.
I was excited, I tried really hard not to be but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t the same happy pregnancy I had with HBear. This time I was cheated. This one was tinged in fear. Fear I never felt with HBear. The first time I was oblivious to the fact anything bad could happen to me or the baby. But, now I knew. The harsh realities. Bad stuff happens. Even to me.
It has been 5 years. To be honest, I don’t think of it very often. It is something that happened. Another chapter of my life. It did not define me. It did not define my family. Those words that were not comforting then, are just the truth now.
It wasn’t meant to be. SBean was meant to be. I did have another baby, a baby who I adore. She did not replace the one I lost, she is her own individual. She wouldn’t be here if things hadn’t happened the way they did. I would have a different daughter or perhaps son that I would love with all my heart. But, this is how the chips fell. And I am OK.
No, I am better than OK, I am complete.
And to all those out there that celebrated Mother’s Day with that emptiness in the pit of their tummy, you will be too.
Just give it time, be nice to yourself and for Gawd sake, don’t blame yourself! Count your blessings and handle everything life throws at you with the understanding that you can’t control everything but you can be happy with what you have and live with the hope that someday you will have more.
Happy Mother’s Day from me to you 🙂
Here is a perfect 1 pot dish that is easy, filling and flavourful!
Texas Hash
Adapted from A Family Feast
2 tablespoons oil
1 cup onion, diced
1 bell pepper, diced
1 can corn
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
3 cloves garlic, pressed
1 ½ pound ground pork
½ teaspoon dry mustard
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons kosher salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
½ cup rice
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes with juice
1 cup water
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
In a skillet that has a tight fitting cover, heat olive oil over medium high.
Add onion, peppers, garlic, ground pork, dry mustard, chili powder, salt and pepper. Sauté until ground pork is no longer pink, breaking up pork as you cook.
Add rice and beans and cook for 2 minutes letting rice absorb liquid.
Add tomato paste and cook for one minute.
Add canned tomatoes with juice, water and Worcestershire sauce. Stir, cover and simmer for 20 minutes covered.
In the last 5 minutes add the corn, stir and then top with cheese.
After 20 minutes, remove lid and fluff the mixture then serve. If the mixture is to wet, cook for another few minutes with lid off.
