5 Years: A Letter to My Mom, Father’s Day & Bulleit BBQ Sauce

I’m sitting here beside you. Beside your headstone. On June 20th, it will be 5 years and I am still asking, how? How did this happen? To be honest, I have not visited you much this past year. I thought I was over the anger but apparently I’m not. There is a yellow butterfly floating from tree to tree right now and although it gives me some peace it also makes me mad. I don’t want a fucking butterfly, I want my Mom. Sometimes I wonder if this never happened would I still know this hurt? I think that even if this had never happened that my soul would know what it feels like to miss you with this much intensity. The pain has left an imprint on my heart that could never be removed.

There is so much I want to tell you. So much has changed since you left, yet somethings are so similar. Everybody is good. The Grim Reaper has left us alone for the past 4 years but now that we know… it can never be not known. Every day I wait for the other shoe to drop. Kari and I just talked about it the other day, it’s been too peaceful, something bad has to happen. I’m mad that I think like this now.

The Girls are my everything and you would be so proud of the young ladies they are becoming. Sometimes I laugh and think that it is better that you’re not here to see Syd growing up. Her little mischievous ways would tickle you pink and she would have you wrapped around her little finger.

I talk to you in my heart all the time so I know you know how Dad is doing and how work is going and how life is progressing… Without you. This makes me mad too. I talk to you all the time but I don’t know if you can hear me. Not knowing kills me. I have to think that you can because the thought of you completely gone makes me physically ill. It makes my whole body go cold and my mouth waters as I fight to keep down the vomit. I never let myself think about it too hard. Like when we go geocaching and I know there are snakes out there but I just don’t look down.

I am furious. I so badly want to spend Mother’s Day with you and Nana. The holidays have gotten easier but that too makes me mad. Sometimes I forget to be sad and then I feel guilt and then I feel so sad that I break and Chris has to pick me back up and make me breathe again. He balances me, he’s my mountain pose, my solid lifeline (you were right about him by the way, like a fine wine). Rowyn cries sometimes because she doesn’t remember you besides that stories we tell her. Oh and we tell her a lot! We talk about you all the time. That has gotten much easier. I like telling stories about you to the Girls.

Are you with Nana? I didn’t really have a chance to grieve for her because you passed away so suddenly right after her. I remember her funeral and you were crying and I could tell that you were scared that you were going to be next. When I reassured you, I honestly did not see any of this coming. I feel so much guilt because in my last conversation with Nana, I lied to her. It was my turn to sit beside her and I talked and talked and talked. I thought she was asleep until she opened her eyes and said, “I’m not dead yet.” God that woman made me laugh! I promised her I would look after you when she was gone. She told me that that reassured her because she was very worried about you. I promised her a little bit of peace, wherever she was going and that I would make sure you gave her some quiet time LOL. I lied. I didn’t take care of you and you followed her way too soon. I KNOW she is mad at me. I never told you that because I felt so much guilt.

There are so many things I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know. That pisses me off! In the past 5 years I have grown up so much. I love you so much and I have so much I want to say to you as my friend, not just as my Mom and you’re not here! I am so mad and so incredibly sad. When I yelled and screamed at you and told you that you were the worst Mother ever… I didn’t have a clue. I was too selfish to see all the sacrifices you made for me. I was too self-involved to realize how absolutely unselfish you were. Now that I’m a Mom and I see what I do for my Girls, I realize how above and beyond you went for us. How could I have been so blind? I wish I could give you the satisfaction of knowing… that you were right… About everything.

Out of nowhere the other day Syd said, “I love you Mommies.” My heart skipped a beat. In one way it was like a knife through my heart and in another way I was so pleased. It’s funny how for 30 years of my life I fought and railed against being anything like you and now I fight every day, strive every moment to be just that,

Like you.

I would like to think you are laughing at me right now and saying “I told you so” but I’m not sure you can hear me. I’m not sure. You certainly didn’t know when we talked last. I remember calling you after I got home from the hospice because I had more to say. I had no idea I would forever have more to say and forever have nobody to hear my words. I remember calling you and telling you I didn’t mean it. I want to be just like you and I know you heard me. But I didn’t truly believe it myself yet so I feel like you couldn’t possibly have believed me either.

Remember when you went in for your last MRI? Remember we got into a fight? I remember because it was the last time I saw you leave the bed. The last time I saw you smile without pain. I regret fighting with you then. I regret fighting with you every time but especially then. It wasn’t a real fight but it was still negativity. End of story. Especially because you were right. That whole discussion that I denied… You were right.

This is the third time I have come to visit you this week. It’s like the never ending letter. I may end up visiting you more this week than I have all year. This letter has been helpful for me. I’ve sat here for the past half an hour just listening to music and thinking about you. Thinking about all of the coffee dates that we don’t get to have, the girls trips I want to take with you, and all of my regrets and wishes.

I wish you were here. I wish we didn’t waste so much time squabbling over stupid things. I wish we would’ve taken extra time to do more things together. I know we were always together but we didn’t do fun things like the fashion show, the dream café, and Seattle enough. I have 35 years worth of memories but that doesn’t seem like nearly enough to get me through the next 35. I wish we had made more memories. I wish I had been in less of a rush to move out. I wish I had been in less of a rush to go out. I remember so many nights where we sat up talking and talking and talking, I wish we had more nights like those. I wish I could take back all the things I ever said to hurt you. I wish I had realized how much you gave of yourself to other people. Because you did. You didn’t do anything for yourself, ever. Even in hospice you were worried about making sure everybody went home and had a good sleep and didn’t spend too much time with you when there were other things going on. I wish I had slept there every night because I had no idea that every second was going to count. I had no idea that no matter how much time we had it was never going to be enough for me. I was so selfish and stupid. I wish I had said sorry more because over the past 5 years my children have done something and I have said something back to them that you had said to me numerous times LOL I catch myself, so many times a day, saying sorry Mom. I just wish you were here to hear it.

I have no place to send this letter. Maybe I should leave it out on the table like I used to for Santa, he always answered… Maybe you will too. I feel like dropping it in the mail just to complete the act but it doesn’t end. It’s not completed. I will forever be waiting for a reply. What I would give to talk to you one more time. However, I know that one more time is not even remotely enough. I would take a mile just like you always said I did. I would want more. I would NEVER let you go. Just to hear you tell me you love me again. There are 2 yellow butterflies that circle me as I write this. I sure hope it is you. I sure hope you know what I am feeling. You always have before why should this be any different? I hope that it is Nana with you flying around seeing the world or for Nana’s sake I hope it is Poppy with you LOL. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re not scared. I hope you’re not sad when you see us sad. I hope you’re proud… I always want to make you proud. I hope you haven’t forgotten us because we will never forget you.

I love you Mommies and I miss you so much and I cannot believe I haven’t talk to you in 5 years and I have 5 more and then 5 after that… It’s just wrong.

Until the day we meet again you are forever in my heart.

Kristin Mae

This week wasn’t just about sadness. Every year we try to spread kindness on Mom’s anniversary. It is important to me to keep her name out there and spread kindness in her name. This year we went BIG! HBear suggested baking a cupcake for each person in her school. She thought that if we baked 300 cupcakes and asked each person to pass on a kindness in Nana’s name that we would be spreading a LOT of kindness. She makes me very happy 💛. So we ALL baked 348 cupcakes, frosted them and topped them with butterflies.

 

 

We coloured special golfballs for Grandpa!

We made Papa a special “toolbox”!

 

And for Daddy we made him a special Grill Master set! We even made the BBQ sauce!

 

 

 

 

On Wednesday Ninja and I went to HBear’s Gifted parent/teacher conference and then the Volunteer Tea! Both Girls were performing! HBear LOVES to perform! I asked her after how it felt to be up there and she said, “I feel most myself when I’m on a stage in front of people.” Gawd I love her! SBean is a little more reserved but she still woke up at 4:30, 5:30 and 6:30 excited to sing her song! We were very proud of both of them 💛.

 

 

On Friday I did my last Hot Lunch! I know I said that before but this time I was just helping out. Either way, that was my last one!

On Saturday I enjoyed the day touring the Southern Okanagan Golden Mile! I enjoyed fabulous wine, great eats and wonderful friends (new and old)! The weather was gorgeous and we went to all new wineries! It was a fantastic day🍷!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sunday we celebrated Ninja, Dad and my FIL! HBear wrote a beautiful speech to honour these 3 amazing men 😍!

 

 

 

 

 

We enjoyed the afternoon at 19 Greens in Kelowna. It is a real  greens putting course. It was super fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After golf we went to The Keg for a delicious dinner! It was a wonderful day! 💕

 

 

 

 

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